A man has given a hilarious play-by-play account of what it is like to drink a large dose of a saline laxative — and people can’t get over how ‘true’ his descriptions are.
The viral post, which was attributed to an Instagram user named Raymond, was recently shared on Monday by the meme account @sourpsycho where it has received more than 17,000 likes in just five hours. However, the original post was actually shared by Facebook user Mike Dahlhauser, who shared the graphic story on Facebook in July 2019, where it racked up thousands of comments.
‘What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate?’ Mike wrote at the start of his post. ‘I’m glad you asked…’
He went on to reveal that he ‘shotgunned ‘a 10 oz bottle like it’s a lukewarm PBR’ at 12:05 pm, and the flavor wasn’t great.
‘It’s supposed to be grape flavored but it’s becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life,’ he explained. ‘You are already regretting this decision.’
While he waited for the laxative effect to kick in, he said he ate a handful of chips, noting that ‘it’s going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don’t care.’
By 12:37 pm he had his ‘first sign of life’ as the pressure in his bowels grew.
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‘You already have 5 lbs of impacted crap in your colon and you basically just drank the “safe for humans” version of Drano,’ he explained. ‘You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it’s time. You’re wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.
‘Take note…this is the last semi-solid think you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours,’ he added.
Twenty minutes later, the magnesium citrate had kicked in and he found himself hobbling to the bathroom.
‘Your stomach is angry now. It hates you…you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can’t run… NEVER run!’ he warned. ‘You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3…2…1…’
Mike didn’t hold back with his vivid description of what it is like to violently defecate after downing a bottle of a saline laxative.
‘Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose,’ he explained. ‘The crap/water mixture you’ve just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45-degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.
‘Is that blood? False alarm. That’s just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving…when you were 5,’ he continued. ‘The smell is horrid…the sound is frightening. You try to clench what’s left of your butthole to soften the blow but it’s not working. The whole house just heard your liquid fart as it gurgled out of your butt.’
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Mike noted that everything that happened between 1:06 pm and 8:30 pm was a ‘blur,’ explaining that it felt like there was nothing left in his body.
‘You have crapped out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800s, and your butt now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand jalapeno seeds stuck in it,’ he wrote.
‘You’re now curled up in the bathroom crying because you have to remain within arm’s reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats. You meet Jesus.’
Less than 10 minutes later, he said ‘you’re broken, ‘you’re butthole is broke,’ and ‘you’re spirit’s broken. He insisted that ‘life as you know it will never be the same. ‘
‘But…tomorrow’s a new day,’ he added. ‘You’re going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear [you] have and you’re going to run up to Walmart with the last shred of dignity you have left…and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You’ve earned it.’
Many commenters could relate to the post, with one person writing: ‘It’s funny because it’s so so true.’
Another added: ‘The narrative is so real!’
‘I drank this once when I was having issues. I s**t my pants with no warning while standing in my kitchen cooking dinner. #nojoke,’ someone else admitted.
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This post was last modified on December 10, 2024 2:52 pm