Like most people living in a metropolitan area, I am tired. My right hip aches because I’m a 31-year-old geriatric. My scalp is dry—but, some consolation, not as dry as my face. My energy is zapped after one exhausting subway ride, and eating dinner after 9 p.m. comes with obligatory dessert: a bottle of Tums.
I’d heard good things about bone broth. I’d heard it can restore your body to its pre-pubescent stage when you could eat Hot Cheetos and pizza for lunch every day and see no ill effects. The broth is supposedly an immune system booster, and its gelatin “heals and seals” the gut and does wonders for your hair, nails, and joints. So, last month, I spent a week on a bone broth cleanse with the hopes of emerging as uncorrupted as a newborn and with a newfound appreciation for drinking boiled animal parts.
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Since bone broth “fasts” have gotten increasingly trendy, there are multiple purveyors offering cleanse packages—necessary, since I wasn’t going to make a week’s worth of broth on my stovetop—but I needed one that provided variety, a clear set of boundaries, and allowed me to eat actual food. Otherwise, as someone who loves snacks more than she loves some distant relatives, I could see myself drinking one mug and moving on.
The Osso Good Company sells “ridiculously good” and “sippable” broths by the bag online, from beef to spicy pork to bison. I chose their seven-day cleanse option. The “rules” are as follows: Drink two 20-oz pouches of bone broth every day, and eat pastured or organic proteins, healthy fats, and organic fruits and vegetables. The avoid-eating list encompasses my personal holy trinity: dairy, grains, and added sugars.
But hey, I like a challenge. What follows is my true account of this murky, salty, unexpectedly dark ride.
Day 1
Two greasy cellophane baggies on my kitchen counter tell the story of last night’s “normal” meal: chicken and cheese empanadas, followed by a buffalo chip cookie (my mom’s recipe, made with corn flakes).
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The cleanse comes with 14 broths: six chicken, six beef, and two Chinese herb-infused versions (called Recovery, Immuni-Qi or Revive the Gut). It recommends one of the herby versions on the first and last day of the cleanse, alternating the others as your heart and gut desire.
I grab a Revive the Gut. “Grass fed beef (beef knuckle, femur, and shank) pasture raised chicken (chicken feet and backs), organic veggies (carrots, celery, shiitake mushrooms, thyme, parsley, bay leaves), organic apple cider vinegar and love.” Plus, eight Chinese herbs provided by Urban Herbs. I defrost the package under hot water and simmer it on the stove. It looks warm and soothing. It smells like the field behind my Grandma’s ranch—the one where the chickens lived.
I pour the contents into a giant mug and settle down with coffee as a chaser. The first sip cuts the deepest. Bracing and rich, it screams: MEAT. It’s 9 a.m. My body doesn’t understand: Where are the carbs? The sugar? The scrambled eggs? My brain asks, Why, Kara? Yet the taste is pleasant, like the less-salty dregs of chicken noodle soup.
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