While there may be aspects of bipolar’s hypomania that are more enjoyable than depression, it’s important to remember to keep impulsivity under control.
Whenever I have hypomanic episodes, they are extremely annoying and I’m easily irritated — they sometimes last for about a week. Everything everybody says or does gets on every last nerve that I have. In essence, they make me feel like a wreck.
But, at the same time, they’re actually kind of fun. When they happen, for the first time in a long time (months), they make me feel alive. I’ll get a great burst of energy and become more productive, too — sometimes I’ll do more work in a week than I do in a month. These episodes are a lot better than the miserable feelings I’d be experiencing before having them.
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Around the time of one of my most memorable hypomanic episodes, my meds weren’t working. I’d been taking them faithfully, but they just weren’t working. I would go to sleep at 1 or 2 a.m., only to wake up three or four hours later and be up the whole day.
This was a contrast to the usual reaction I had to my meds, where I could sleep a lot, until the afternoon. Then I went on the road, and because I needed to do a lot of movement, I couldn’t take my meds. I don’t like taking them before I go on the road, because I can be very groggy and it’s hard to function. So I stayed up all night and created a 20-something-second video.
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I felt myself rambling. I felt myself feeling floaty. I’ve never done drugs, but I felt like I was on a natural high. I couldn’t shut down. My mind was going at about a thousand miles an hour. I wanted to shut it down so badly, but it just wouldn’t shut down.
But I enjoyed the energy. I enjoyed feeling alive.
I was very hypersexual, too. While I didn’t act on it, I was still feeling the vibe of the sexual energy that can be toxic. Thank goodness I didn’t do anything about it.
Going Back on My Meds
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Then I went back to my meds, and they worked — finally. They worked too well.
I realized that I had burned myself out. Going nearly 48 hours without sleep — and getting about eight hours of sleep in a week — is not good for the body. I realized how tired my body was once the drugs finally did their job.
I could’ve called my doctor for some readjusting — or possibly hospitalization. Aside from going to the emergency room for a short period of time, I’ve never been hospitalized. And I had no plans on ever being hospitalized. So I didn’t. I managed.
My Moods Shift Depending on the Season
As the seasons change, so do my moods. For instance, one spring several years ago, I was extremely hypomanic; on another, I was severely depressed. Sometimes, I could be mixed. You just never know (it’s such joy).
If it seems I’m being humorous or sarcastic about my mood episodes, it’s because humor, laughter, and sarcasm are the best ways I can deal with the confusing episodes that I experience. I’ve been known to be a more seasonal mood person; usually hypomanic in the spring and summer, while being miserably depressed in the fall and winter.
But you never know which way the ball will swing. What I’ve realized in my bipolar journey is that this mental health condition is as unpredictable as it is predictable.
Coming to Terms With Not Missing Hypomania’s ‘High’
These days, I feel better. I don’t feel depressed, but I do feel tired. I still feel the energy, but I think it’s more in line with my usual highly functional, ambitious drive than a full-blown hypomanic or manic episode.
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Like most episodes, I kind of miss the high sometimes. I prefer it to the depression. It added fully to my productivity and my creativity. But I also know they’re not good for me.
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Someone who has a tendency to be irritated with people shouldn’t go through an episode where the irritation is multiplied by 10. The euphoria is great, but it’s not good when it starts to feel physically draining.
For someone who tends to be logical, and who tries to control his emotions and surroundings, with hypomania, I run the chance of losing control and being impulsive.
I recall one time I became extremely impulsive and I spent thousands of dollars on a venture that was rushed and never materialized.
Hypomania is something like a dangerous drug for me. If I don’t keep things in check as the seasons change, it’ll be one wild ride for me.
I can’t afford that. I have too many things to do, and I need a clear head to do them.
UPDATED: Originally posted May 22, 2018
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