So… I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Nothing is explicitly wrong with my life. I have friends, I have a family and uni is fine. Yet I feel “sad”? Like my life is full of conflicting feelings. I sometimes feel like I’m really pretty and the next day I can hate everything I see in the mirror. I can love my friends when hanging out with them but the next day I feel like nobody understands me and that I am a fraud.
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The thing is, I don’t know if I actually feel “emotions.” Like I laugh and I cry but most of the time I feel kind of empty. Like I don’t feel like I’m feeling any emotions or having any thoughts if that makes sense? I feel kind of like a fake. I feel like every emotion and every action is forced to please others and fit in. I don’t feel like myself. And then I start to feel like I’m just being dramatic and wanting attention.
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I have friends but at the same time I feel like none of them understand me. That none of them know the real me. I feel like they just know the version of me that I am trying to portray. I feel like I fake it with everyone. I don’t even feel like I know who the real me is.
I don’t know. Am I just an attention seeker? Am I just making up issues for myself?
Like last year. I “gave” myself bulimia. But was I doing that because I actually have a mental problem or did I do it to just give myself a problem? Was I just trying to signal a cry for help or was I just trying to be dramatic?
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Back in year 9 I tried to harm myself and sent my friends a message saying goodbye. I remember not actually wanting to die and I felt so comforted when they messaged back being all freaked out. Am I just a super dramatic girl who is trying to cause problems for herself or am I actually mentally ill?
I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I’m currently on medication but what if this diagnosis is wrong. What if I am just a big fat liar who wanted to have depression and anxiety. What if I am just “faking” my problems.
I don’t know.
What is wrong with me? Do I have munchausen’s? Am I just a pathological liar? Am I just trying to get attention?
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