Growing Up in a Toxic Household
Growing up in a toxic household fosters depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses within the most resilient of individuals. For children, there is a sense of helplessness and a lack of safety. For individuals that are growing up in toxic households or within an environment with toxic people, secluded spaces such as the bedroom or bathroom become sanctuaries. Isolation and reclusion are also apparent in individuals growing up in a toxic household. For me I compromised eating to avoid the toxic people and activities within my home. For hours I would remain in my room, waiting for the “guests” to leave. I would avoid common areas and when spotted engage in quick greetings with minimal eye contact. They would attempt to partake in small talk, but I was uninterested and quite frankly they could care less about me and the happenings of my life.
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The new reality of the 21st century is middle aged adults living with parents. Adult children are living with their parents to cut costs and maintain adequate housing in an economy where housing and food costs are astronomically high. Nonetheless, these same adult children are forced to weigh the psychological effects of moving back home. When I was a kid, there was the stereotypical adult child that lived in the basement, played videos games, and remained unemployed. In a way many of us (in our own ways) are the adult child in the basement. Moving back in with parents to save money was my reality, after my freshman year of college I became a commuter and never left. Unfortunately, throughout the final three years of my college journey my toxic home environment nearly pushed me over the edge. However, two years after I graduated things started to look up for me. The individual that contributed negatively to my home environment, stopped coming around. I was free, or so I thought! To cope with and in an attempt at learning how to deal with a toxic home environment, I looked outside of the home.
After, I purchased my first car and met a boy. While my toxic home life somewhat improved, the incessant arguing and door slamming contributed greatly to my anxiety and I needed out. I figured that being with that individual was better than being in my home and as a result, I laid my standards down by the river side and was laid up with a boy in his mother’s house as late as 3am. The relationship between myself and the boy was toxic, unhealthy, and confusing for me. After taking a good look at the situation, I realized that he wasn’t for me. I wrote myself a letter stating that if I never speak to him again, after a year from the date of the letter, present me will gift future me $500 to spend anywhere. Long story short, I bought myself my first Tiffany necklace with the money from the bet and I never spoke to that boy again.
Which brings me to a great point, which I discuss in the podcast episode on the ‘Not Another Think Piece’ podcast. Dating while in a toxic household and navigating a toxic home environment is difficult, because sometimes you’ll settle for new devils simply to avoid what’s happening in your home.
Instead of looking for a man to save me, which I was inadvertently doing. I started to form hobbies, which taught me how to deal with a toxic home environment. While working in a non-profit organization in Boston (the best job ever.) My co-worker and friend taught me how to fish, which taught me the importance of solitude, stillness, and patience. I also learned how to crochet, which showed me the importance of creating items from scratch. One week my boss allowed me to head home early for about 3-4 days because I was severely under the weather. Within that time, I felt compelled to revamp my childhood room. At this time, my youngest sister had moved into another room and for the first time I had my own room. With a fever, I stripped and repainted the entire room in 3-4 days, which allowed me to not only feel more comfortable within the space, but to also feel more inclined to post move videos on my Tik Tok.
How to get out of a toxic household
I categorized that year as the best year of my life and I have a video montage to prove it, however, unfortunately when life started to look up, terrible things began to happen in my toxic home. Yet, I took advantage of the opportunity at hand. Yes I was constantly triggered and forced to encounter adults that were fostering an unhealthy and toxic environment, but I was living rent free! I listened as others complained about rent prices and the perils of adulthood, and became complicit in the toxicity of my home. I was afforded the luxury of disposable income, trips, and adventures out the wazoo, because I was willing to compromise my sanity for fun. However, eventually I had to ask myself “how are you contributing to your unhappiness?” Two people approached me about moving in with them, however, in both instances the individuals were only looking for apartments for themselves. Also, in a way they were also attempting to escape their toxic home life and I did not want to serve as someone’s ticket to freedom, and compromise my peace as a result. The roommate thing and sharing is not my strongest trait, therefore I was unwilling to compromise my peace, in attempt to provide someone else with theirs. I wanted someone to move-in with me because they enjoyed me, not because they were running from something else.
After asking myself that question I had to get real with the fact that I was scared of leaving my toxic home environment because of the security and privileges that I was afforded. I had plans of buying a home and saved enough for a downpayment, however after an incident that left me in tears uttering the phrase, “I can’t live here anymore” sparked my need to move immediately.
How to move out of a toxic parents house/Tips for moving out for the first time:
I lived alone briefly in college, but I never lived in an apartment or outside of Massachusetts for that matter. Once I decided that I could no longer deal with my toxic home life, I planned and I executed and here’s how I did it.
Step one: How to move out of your parents home with no money
The first plan of action is to get money! I created a bucket within my high yield savings account, which is a savings account that pays you an annual percentage yield (APY), or what I like to call free money/interest based on the sum of money within an account. I titled the bucket ‘Never Going Back to Fresno’ inspired by Toni Childs in Girlfriends. In the episode where Toni, Lynn, and Maya are disclosing “secrets” while at lunch, Toni shares that within her ‘Never Going Back to Fresno’ account she has almost half a million dollars, as a security of ensuring that she never go back to Fresno. I saved upwards to $20,000 within that account, and never touched it.
Q: How much to save before moving out of your parents house
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A: I aimed for around $10,000, but it’s dependent on your area and anticipated rent and additional costs
Step two: How to secretly move out
Loose lips sink ships! If possible, tell only those that will be involved in the move. For your safety tell someone that you trust and who can support you during this time. The only reason my family found out I was moving was because I found a couch on FB Marketplace and I needed help picking it up. From then, the news spread. Upon finding out that I was moving I received an array of messages stating that I was going to regret my decision, once I leave I possibly can’t come back (which is the hope), and that I was moving off of emotion and I wasn’t thinking. Once I did move, I received secondhand notice that I abandoned my parent and that I now had an isolation issue that was cause for concern. A bunch of hoopla if you ask me. Tell only those that you can trust and if for any reason you feel that the move will become violent or put you at harm, seek the necessary help and resources immediately! Many of us have left or are in the process of leaving home because of our parents. I was told that I would appear “more mature,” if I explained where I was going and it would foster peace of mind on my parent’s end. Yet, I countered by expressing that hopefully when I have children I create an environment where they don’t feel compelled to have a shotgun move-out because of the environment that I created within the home. Establishing boundaries with parents and other people during this time will be necessary and vital for operation finding place of peace. During this period of my life, I am not necessarily no contact with toxic family and family members, however, I am in no rush to reach out or return to my childhood home.
Step three: Apartment hunting tips
Apartment hunting websites:
- Craiglists
- Zilliow
- Apartments.com
- Facebook Marketplace
Believe it or not, I found my current apartment on Craigslist! Always be safe, make sure that communication is clear and that if possible you tour the apartment with someone else. Also, if it’s too good to be true, it probably is! When communicating with the listing agent or apartment owner, ensure that communication is concise and straightforward.
Wrong message: Hi is this apartment still available?
This is wrong because there is a lack of urgency, intent, and information.
Right message: Hi! I am interested in touring the property! What dates and times work best for you?
They may ask for pre-qualification information and conduct a credit check (after touring), but never, under any circumstance, give out personal information via messenger.
Bonus tip: You catch my flies with sugar than sh*t! Be nice and courteous, but remember that you don’t owe them anything more!
Bonus bonus tip: Never give them your real phone number and personal email. During my apartment hunting period I always gave out a google voice number and utilized my school email.
Questions to ask before renting an apartment/Questions to ask a landlord/What to ask when touring an apartment
- Is there a service fee to turn on utilities? If applicable, how much?
- Can I tour the unit that I will be staying in, rather than a vacant unit?
- Community Safety
- Total monthly fees
- Approval requirements and total move-in costs
- Escrow account for security deposit
- Internet providers you work with
- Move-in specials on units (for luxury apartments)
- How is rent collected?
- What’s included in the rent? (water, gas, electric)
- How does maintenance work?
- How many times a year are inspections?
- Pet-friendly? Types of pets?
- Have you seen or received any complaints or concerns about roaches, bed bugs, and rodents within the past 3 months?
- Mail and theft safety
- Response time of landlord or leasing office?
- Cameras on the property and what are they used for?
- Lease break fee and process?
- (If you have a child under the age of 6) Is this property de-leaded? When did the de-leading take place?
- Who is responsible for snow removal and landscape?
- Parking and guests
- How are grievances amongst tenants addressed?
- Who is or are the point of contact(s) for tenants?
- Trash day and pick up process? Does this town or city require special bags or bins?
- Amenities within the unit and shared (if applicable)
While engaging in the first initial walk through, make mental notes of damages or areas where you could become liable. Address them and ask if they will be fixed before move-in. Before the initial move-in date, conduct a final walkthrough to ensure that the unit or apartment is to a livable standard and the necessary changes have been made.
While this is not every question worth asking, these serve as important questions to ask when renting an apartment. Think of this as your questions to ask when renting an apartment checklist. From my POV, when considering questions to ask when renting an apartment for the first time, these were heavy hitters. When you mention an Escrow account and de-leading, they know that you mean business. Also, through these questions you can gauge how involved the leasing office or landlord are with the property and tenants. During my period of moving-out, I was also studying to take my real estate exam. I have since passed and the information I learned while studying helped guide my search and line of questioning.
What to bring when viewing an apartment
- Flashlight to look behind the fridge, cracks, and crevices for signs of mice droppings. You’re also looking for the landlord special. The landlord special is when the landlord (or his crew) paint over areas of concern to cover and conceal.
- A pen and notebook to document questions and important information
- Another person if possible for your safety
- Dress business casual
- ID
- A smile
- A Camera
What to look for when viewing an apartment
- The number of outlets and where they are located
- Visit the property early in the morning and in the evening to see who hangs around the property, how many people go to work, and the overall atmosphere.
- How you feel about the landlord or individual showing you the property. Do you get scammy vibes, if so, run!
- Noise levels
- Security
- Who comes into the building and out of the building
- Check online reviews beforehand
- If you pass a tenant, ask them about their experience within the facility
- Businesses and schools within the surrounding area
- Nearest police station
- Signs of rodents (traps and droppings) and bugs (webs and bug carcasses)
- Run the water of each tap, faucet, and spigot and access how long the water takes to heat up
- Look at your phone and check your service (is it terrible in certain areas of the house, or is it terrible overall?)
- Look at how well the facility is maintained outside of the unit (trash, dirt, unkept lawn, etc.)
- Be on the look out for signs of mold or poor ventilation in the bathroom
- Look for windows and how well the unit is lit with natural lighting
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Once you have decided that you would like to move-in and have provided the security deposit (if applicable), conduct a final walkthrough as stated previously and take lots of pictures. Take pictures of dents, scratches on the floors, chips, anything that they can blame on you when it’s time to move out. Take as much time as you need! Emailing the pictures with a forwarding address for your security deposit is the next step!
Q: Income requirements for renting an apartment
A: They typically state, three times the rent.
Q: Documents needed to rent an apartment
A: Typically proof of income through pay stub or an offer letter. Landlords often ask to check your credit and may conduct a background check. As to comply with fair housing, if you are asked for a background check everyone is required to engage in a background check.
Financial Tips for Moving out for the first time
- Save more than you think you’ll need
- Live below your means and don’t go broke trying to impress broke people!
- Consider all moving costs
- If possible ask family members to help you move to cut costs and pay them
- Ask more people than you think you’ll need just in case
- Rent one size large than you think you’ll need for a U-Haul
- Bring the more fragile items to the apartment in your car before move-in day
- Create a separate savings account for apartment expenses and only use the funds for their intended use
Step four: Moving out checklist
Before you officially move-out, about a month before you move out make mental notes (or physical notes) of everything you use and touch within your current home. Toilet paper, spices, ingredients within the fridge, toothpaste, etc. Doing this will provide you with the general framework of the everyday items that you will need when moving out.
Unfortunately, I was too eager to leave and packed a month early. As a result I was sleeping on the floor until I was able to officially move and was living out of boxes.
Tips for moving out for the first time
- Use FB Marketplace to purchase secondhand items such as pots, pans, home decor, etc. People were willing to give me a deal once I disclosed that I was collecting items for my first apartment. Also, don’t be afraid to haggle. I am the queen of FB marketplace.
Bad message: Is this still available?
Good Message: Hi I am interested in this item? Is the price firm of are you open to the best offer? Also, which days work best for you in terms of pick up?
- Sell old items on FB marketplace! I sold my old futon bed frame for free and convinced the purchaser to give me a tip because I had to carry the bed down a flight of stairs alone and I tightened the screws for her! Easiest $20 I made in my life!
Again, similar to finding apartments on craigslist, be safe and avoid scams!
- Assess the pros and cons of each place that you tour and don’t hold back. For one tour I was told “if your car is towed, call the landlord” and the parking spaces in the back of the home were flooded because of poor drainage. RED FLAG!
- Read the contract/leasing agreement in it’s entirety and ask questions
- Deep clean the apartment before you move your stuff in
- Pray over the apartment (if applicable)
- Take time to celebrate such a major accomplishment!
- Unpopular opinion: I believe in waiting until you move-in before stockpiling on cleaning supplies and other items because someone has to carry that in the move.
Moving out cleaning tips:
- Pack and clean a little every day, that way you’re not overwhelmed.
- Utilize FB Marketplace for free boxes and ask around
- Learn to close your boxes without tape (this was a major game changer for me)
- Get rid of what you don’t need!
Moving out for the first time check list:
Things you might not think of but need…
- Tool Box
- Screw Set
- Caulk
- Toilet Paper
- Trash Bags
- Matches/Lighter
- Advil/Ibprophen
- First Aid Kit
- Band-Aids
- Hydrogen Peroxide
- Rubbing Alcohol
- Stud Finder
- Flashlight
- Drain Cleaner
- Batteries
- Printer + Paper.
- Wifi
- Fan or AC
- Safe
- Outlets
- Pens/ Stationary material
Kitchen List:
- Cutlery (Spoons, Knives, Forks)
- Plates
- Bowls
- Mugs
- Cups
- Pots
- Pans
- Spatula
- Cutting Board
- Paper Towel (or Rags)
- Tupperware
- Oven mitts
- Strainer
- Grater
- Can Opener
- Baking Sheet
- Microwave (if not in-unit)
- Kitchen Scissors
- Tongs
- Skillet
- Tea Kettle
- Toaster
- Wine Glasses
- Dish drying rack
- Trash Bin
- Dish soap
Moving out pro tip: A skillet serves as the universal cooking pan!
Laundry
- Baking soda
- Bags or bin
- Detergent
Cleaning Supplies:
- Broom w/ dust pan
- Mop
- Toilet Cleaner
- Sponge or rag
- Toilet Brush
- Plunger
- Vacuum
Bathroom:
- Bath mat
- Shower curtain, rod, and hooks if applicable
- Towels
- Rags
- Toilet Paper
- Gloves
- Stool (if necessary)
- Toilet Brush
- Plunger
- Soap
This post serves as a plan to move out. I had to create one for myself, without much guidance, but I made it happen. These first time moving out tips are comprehensive and easy enough to follow. I chose moving out to help me heal and in my own home; I can say that now, my home! I have never been more happy and at peace.
Q: Can toxic parents change
A: Absolutely, however, I refused to be complicit and standby when the toxicity was negatively impacting my will to live. Unfortunately, instead of telling me that I had overstayed my welcome, from my perspective my parent was engaging in behaviors that signified that that was their home and they were going to do what they wanted. Upon asking the individual to change a behavior that was not only inconsiderate, but gross, their response was “stop talking to me like i’m your roommate.” That remark put so many things into perspective for me and unfortunately, adults do things because they didn’t have the freedom to exercise their authority and will as child. However, when dealing with toxic people and learning how to deal with toxic parents, the key is to realize that it’s not about you! They are going to be and do as they please, therefore cutting off toxic parents is a method of telling them I will no longer be involved in your mess! Leaving home because of parents sucks, but on the bright side you have the power to create an environment where you children don’t feel the need to run from. When confronted about my move, I told my sister that I would be screenshotting excerpts from my past journal prompts and sending them to anyone with an unsolicited opinion. While, I was joking, for a while I began to gaslight my self on what I experienced. However, thanks to my journal entries I have proof that what I experienced was real and my actions now are 100% warranted!
Congratulations on the move-out in advance and remember that the change starts with you!
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