When I was helping a group of managers use the Mutual Learning approach, one of the managers asked me “How do you deal with nonverbal behavior in groups? You know, when people roll their eyes, fold their arms and push back their chairs, or sigh.” We get this question a lot.
Here’s how I “deal with it” – I’ll talk about “why” in a bit.
If I’m working with a group and Sean has been looking at his watch and then rolling his eyes each time Nicole has been speaking, I say something like this:
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“Sean, I’d like to check something out. I’m noticing you’re looking at your watch and then rolling your eyes while Nicole has been speaking, am I off?” If Sean says that I’ve got it right, then I continue, “I’m thinking that you may have some concern about what Nicole is saying or about something else. Yes?” If he agrees, I continue, “Would you be willing to say what your concern is?”
In short, I name the behavior I see and who is doing it; I check out whether it means what I think it means (my inference), and I ask the person if he is willing to share his concern.
I make the single most important intervention on nonverbal behavior before I begin to work with a group – more on that later.
A couple of factors make it challenging to intervene on nonverbal behavior.
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First, when group members show “negative” nonverbal behavior it’s often because they are reacting negatively to something going on in the group. That means intervening on some potential conflict in the group, which many people have a difficult time doing. Second, group members aren’t as aware of their nonverbal behavior as much as they are of what they are saying, so intervening on it can feel more intrusive.
These factors often lead people to ignore nonverbal behavior.
But by doing so, you miss intervening on a potentially important group dynamic. If group members’ nonverbal behavior represents their frustration, anger, or dissatisfaction with the process and you don’t learn about it, you’re putting the group’s ability to accomplish its goals at risk.
Other people pull the person aside at a break. But, unless you’re doing this to coach the person about how she can raise the issue in the group, you can easily end up colluding with her against the group. You may end up trying to steer the group in a direction without their knowing why you’re doing it. Or you might end up raising the issue for the person without the person.
Many people intervene without referring to the behavior specifically.
For example, if Sean is looking at his watch and rolling his eyes after Nicole has been talking for several minutes, someone might say, “I just want to check in and see how people are doing.” Or they might make a slightly more specific – but still general – intervention like, “I’m thinking that people are concerned about the time.” Or they may identify the behavior but not the person exhibiting the behavior: “I’m noticing that people are looking at their watches and rolling their eyes.” All of these interventions have the effect of saving face for the person looking at his watch and potentially for the person that’s intervening! And no, that’s not a good thing. Withholding the information and saving face has some unacceptable negative consequences. By doing this you are privately discounting the group’s ability to handle the direct feedback. This makes it harder for them to give each other honest and direct feedback in the future, because you’ve unilaterally decided to deprive them of the opportunity now. I think this means you’re contributing to the group’s ineffectiveness by reinforcing their behavior instead of modeling a more productive alternative.
If you decide to intervene as I’ve recommended, here are some tips:
Discuss beforehand what kind of behavior you’ll intervene on.
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Part of agreeing on how you’ll work with a group includes letting them know what kind of behavior you will intervene on. Just as you would tell them that you’ll intervene if people seem to be making assumptions or seem off-track, you can say that you’ll intervene if people – through their nonverbal behavior – seem to be frustrated or concerned with how the meeting is going. You can also ask the group what kinds of behaviors they want you to intervene on – as long as their answers don’t prevent you from intervening on issues that you believe are critical to helping the group achieve the goals they set.
Decide whether to intervene.
Just as you don’t intervene on all ineffective verbal behavior, you won’t intervene on all “negative” nonverbal behavior. I intervene if the behavior is repeated, seems to be affecting others or me (including how I’m facilitating), or if the inference I make about the behavior seems related to issues the group is working on. Of course all of these are inferences I’m making. If I decide not to intervene, I don’t let the behavior change my interventions with the group.
Name the specific behavior first, check if you’ve missed something, and then check your inference about it.
By using this approach you make sure you’re seeing and interpreting the behavior correctly and reducing the chance that the person will get defensive. The key is to make low-level inferences – that is, inferences that are less evaluative. Notice I said, “I’m thinking you have some concern about what Nicole is saying” not “I’m thinking you think Nicole is clueless.”
Intervene with compassion.
Like any other intervention, when you intervene on nonverbal behavior, it’s critical to do it with compassion. A lot of compassion comes through in your tone of voice, which you can’t hear in this article. It also comes through by you make low-level inferences and being genuinely curious. But ultimately compassion comes from how you think and feel. You can’t fake this. If you’re simply annoyed with the person rolling his eyes, any intervention you make is likely to lack compassion.
Give people a free choice whether to respond.
Just like any other intervention you make, it’s essential to give people a free choice about whether they want to respond. This can be as simple as saying something like, “Would you be willing to say what you’re thinking or feeling?”
Originally published April 2006
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