Precaution: I am writing this, once again, at 2:00am. Please excuse the utter eccentricity of this post, but know the sincerity found in its significance.
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The problem is, I feel like a different person every day. One day I’m some crazy witty lunatic whose scared of everything, the next day I’m some confident girl in her own skin only because she doesn’t give a care for how the world sees her. She’s just living.
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Yet sometimes I question if wanting to take on every activity that interests me-those that are in my character, those that contradict my character, those that put my character out of my comfort zone, or those that reinforce my character-really is a part of who I am.
I’ve always had a fairly good understanding of who I am. I spend about 99.9% of everyday exploring more and more of what makes me me, which is probably a reason why I never find myself doing something half-heartedly and always involve myself in things that truly mean something to my heart, mind, and soul-something with significance and value, in my eyes.
But, in a way, who I am is that girl who wants to get out there and do all of these things. Growing up in a small town being given blessed but limited opportunities naturally makes me want to explore the whole spectrum of what makes me me-in all kinds of lifestyles and situations.
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And so, I’m a little unpredictable. I spend days on days feeling like one person and then feeling like another person the next day. I want to be a guitar player. I want to be a writer. I want to be a screenwriter. I want to be an acclaimed music journalist. I want to be in a band. I want to fall in love. I want to remain the shy, soft-spoken girl with an edge. i want to be the kind heart who lends her ear. I want to be the cultured dancer. I want to be the culturally-aware society-woman. I want to be eccentric. I want to calm and reserved. I want to be outgoing and spontaneous. I want to be peaceful. I want to be Rachel.
There’s a beauty in exploring your own natural growth and capability and persona; and there’s an even greater wonder in being able to stay true to yourself throughout all of life’s changes. And, I find that at the end of the day, with all of the weird be-comings I may have and eccentric ideas that go on in my head, at my core, I am who I am. There is a part of me that still has never changed and I have taken along throughout all of my life. I’m still that insecure, doe-eyed girl with big dreams and an imaginative heart thinking up crazy and eccentric ideas and situations and relationships and projected personalities, and also that all-too-forgiving girl who finds too much good in the bad and sees the good in everyone and everything, always wanting to share a piece of my heart rather than my soul, and please only to push away. At my core, this is who I am, and this is what I have seen happening in patterns or repercussions, in the littlest or biggest of ways in the events and experiences in my life. There’s that one thing that makes you you, no matter all the weird distractions that go on in your head.
Sometimes, throughout all of the complication, there’s really only one simple thing to know, understand, and be at peace with.
P.S. Here is an interesting article on the idea and study of saying to oneself, ‘I feel like a different person:’ “Positive feelings may send a signal that it’s safe to broaden one’s view of the world—and to explore novel notions of one’s self. Negative feelings may do the opposite: They may send a signal that it’s time to circle the wagons and stick with the “tried and true” (“I Feel Like A Different Person”).
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