Breakups, heartbreak, and the process of moving on are so rich in lessons. Even now, while I’m falling in love with someone new and have a dating coaching business, the love I feel for my ex has not disappeared. I guess I thought it would but it’s actually shifted in a beautiful way. My heart is open again and I can appreciate him and our relationship much more clearly now. I had to go through all the muck first.
For me, letting go of the relationship was a slow process of learning to see him as the man he was without all our intimate baggage on top.
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Almost every day I realized something new and it’s made me a powerful dating coach. I appreciated him more and it was hard to balance that without simultaneously wanting to try and jump back in again. He was a hurting person like I was, trying to fill a hole that no one person is meant to fill. In retrospect, I saw that many times I didn’t appreciate all of his vulnerable gestures, I didn’t acknowledge how much they really took of him, to come out, put himself out there with me and risk his heart getting hurt.
A lot of times, it was painful thinking of all the ways I ran him over. Dismissed him, dropped him, made his life hard. I had to turn and look at these behaviors and have compassion for myself. It required self-forgiveness.
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Skipping over any of this would not have allowed me to be the kind partner and the best dating coach I show up as now. Through letting him go, I learned how to really and truly see someone. How to appreciate someone’s inherent goodness, their younger selves, the ways they love. I learned to love myself for my mistakes and learning, my becoming. It was a process of loving him more, loving myself more, and appreciating what was.
Maybe you need to live on another continent for a month. Maybe you need to sleep with tons of other people. Maybe you need to sit in therapy or hire a dating coach. Maybe you need to become obsessed with something else — for me, celery juice and yoga. Whatever you do, I truly hope you stay tuned into the lessons, the mysteries, the ups, the downs, and let yourself be open for what’s next.
Thanks for reading! Molly is a dating coach for high-achieving, single women in their 30s. Find a time to connect with her to explore a fresh start.
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