I Tattooed My Body to Celebrate My Rebirth

I may be 43 years old, but I feel like I was actually born in 2014. Following years of body shaming and hating how I looked, I shed my cocoon of negativity that year and was reborn as a beautiful butterfly. Throughout my life, I hated my body. I was ashamed of my fat rolls and stretch marks. I didn’t want anyone to see them. I was constantly comparing myself to others.

Summers were the worst because that meant I’d have to be in a dreaded swimsuit. Embarrassingly, I would go to pool parties and the beach in a baggy T-shirt and shorts. As I stood there amongst my friends drenched from head to toe in sweat, I would put a smile on my face and claim to be perfectly comfortable when someone would undoubtedly ask me, “Aren’t you hot in that?”

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I thought that my weight was the root of all my problems and that as soon as I shed the pounds, my life would change for the better. I could finally don that swimsuit and turn heads as I strutted down the beach. No more insecurities. No more self-hate. I would be the belle of the ball, and Prince Charming would magically whisk me away for my happily ever after.

After years of yo-yo dieting, I did it. The summer before my sophomore year of college, I changed my diet, fell in love with exercise, and lost 60 pounds. Everyone was so happy for me and would let me know at every opportunity that I looked amazing. For me, however, the grass was not greener on the other side. My insecurities and shame were still there. I continued to wear a baggy T-shirt and shorts as my swimwear, and Prince Charming never appeared.

How was it possible that the girl who did everything right was still ashamed to wear a swimsuit? Year after year, I went through the motions, embracing the fall and winter but dreading the summer. I can’t recall the exact moment, but in my 30s, I had finally had enough. I officially hit rock bottom and found it rather lonely down there. Was this misery how I was supposed to spend the rest of my life? Was I destined to loathe my body and never be truly happy? No, this was not going to be how my story ended.

After working so hard every day to lose weight and maintain my weight loss, it was now time to put in the real work — working on myself. I started by looking online and reading everything I could by self-help gurus and motivational speakers. The common theme was believing in yourself and faking it till you make it. I started with daily affirmations: I am powerful. I am beautiful. I am confident. It’s funny how three simple statements can hold so much strength.

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I had to unlearn the habit of saying negative comments about my body. I bought a decal that read “I Am Beautiful” and stuck it to my bathroom mirror. Then, I forced myself to stand in front of that mirror, naked, and say things that I loved about my body, such as: I love my strong legs. My waist is pretty small. My shoulders are sexy.

Day after day of looking into that mirror, I realized I’m not so bad. One day, I almost passed out when I looked at myself and swooned. Daymmmm. I looked good. How had I not seen this before? Each day, I began to chip away at the wall of insecurity. People started coming up to me, letting me know that I was glowing. My social media feed was filled with comments from friends and followers praising the light that I radiated. The girl who never liked to look at herself truly felt powerful, beautiful, and confident.

It’s true. I did have a glow about me. I was exuding positive energy, and the love for myself was showing and glowing. I looked and felt better. I was reborn anew and vowed to never go back to the old me. But there was one last thing I needed to do with my new self.

I wanted a sign to show the world that I am here and I love myself. One of my best friends had recently completed a full-sleeve tattoo and could not wait to show off her new look. It got me thinking. I wanted my own body art to show the world that I broke free of the limitations and negativity that were holding me back. I wanted a tattoo.

I didn’t know exactly what I wanted visually, but I knew what the meaning of the tattoo should be. I explained the transformation I had undergone to my tattoo artist and allowed him to design an original piece: a swirling floral pattern that hugs my entire body and evokes the wings of a butterfly.

My tattoo took six months to complete and covers my sides, waist, lower abs, and back. My tattoo means freedom. Freedom from doubt and negative energy. Freedom from fear and self-hatred. It’s funny how something that covers my body is the thing that allows people to truly see me — and allows me to truly see myself.

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The true test of my transformation happened in Vegas when a few friends organized a summer girls’ trip. My tattoo was healed, and I found the perfect swimsuit to wear. In my gut, I knew I wanted to show off my transformation. When the moment of truth finally arrived, my stomach was in knots. I wanted to pass out. But it was Vegas in the summer, and I was hot.

Before I knew it, I was standing at the pool and dropped my cover-up. I could not stop smiling. I looked good and felt it too. My body was glistening. My suit was cute. And my tattoo was striking. This girl was on fire! I had to strut at the party. And you know what? The negative thoughts about my body never crossed my mind. The self-help gurus were right. Fake it till you make it.

I know that my stretch marks will never go away. Now, I see that they tell the story of a badass woman who worked hard to get where she is in life. People are now constantly telling me that they wish they had my confidence. I can’t go back in time and change my younger self, but I can help others break free from their own negativity.

Change can be scary. I get it. But remember the caterpillar. It sheds its old life and emerges from a cocoon as a beautiful and better version of itself. If you’re ever experiencing self-doubt, be the caterpillar. Shed negative energy from your mind. Transform into the butterfly you’ve always wanted to be. And don’t be afraid to mark the occasion.

Ariel Johns is a Los Angeles-based writer, actress, and blogger at hoopLA. Follow her on Instagram at @arielsfriends.

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