What My Therapist Told Me That Finally Got Me Over My Ex

Breakups, heartbreak, and the process of moving on are so rich in lessons. Even now, while I’m falling in love with someone new and have a dating coaching business, the love I feel for my ex has not disappeared. I guess I thought it would but it’s actually shifted in a beautiful way. My heart is open again and I can appreciate him and our relationship much more clearly now. I had to go through all the muck first.

For me, letting go of the relationship was a slow process of learning to see him as the man he was without all our intimate baggage on top.

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Almost every day I realized something new and it’s made me a powerful dating coach. I appreciated him more and it was hard to balance that without simultaneously wanting to try and jump back in again. He was a hurting person like I was, trying to fill a hole that no one person is meant to fill. In retrospect, I saw that many times I didn’t appreciate all of his vulnerable gestures, I didn’t acknowledge how much they really took of him, to come out, put himself out there with me and risk his heart getting hurt.

A lot of times, it was painful thinking of all the ways I ran him over. Dismissed him, dropped him, made his life hard. I had to turn and look at these behaviors and have compassion for myself. It required self-forgiveness.

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Skipping over any of this would not have allowed me to be the kind partner and the best dating coach I show up as now. Through letting him go, I learned how to really and truly see someone. How to appreciate someone’s inherent goodness, their younger selves, the ways they love. I learned to love myself for my mistakes and learning, my becoming. It was a process of loving him more, loving myself more, and appreciating what was.

Maybe you need to live on another continent for a month. Maybe you need to sleep with tons of other people. Maybe you need to sit in therapy or hire a dating coach. Maybe you need to become obsessed with something else — for me, celery juice and yoga. Whatever you do, I truly hope you stay tuned into the lessons, the mysteries, the ups, the downs, and let yourself be open for what’s next.

Thanks for reading! Molly is a dating coach for high-achieving, single women in their 30s. Find a time to connect with her to explore a fresh start.

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